looking at pictures at me and my best friend honestly makes me a little jealous. she's so skinny, with long legs, blonde hair, and a gorgeous smile. i honestly look like some sort of chubby rodent next to her. the sad part is she is always complaining about how she thinks she's not pretty. she always thinks that pictures of her are ugly, when in fact they couldn't be more opposite. i would trade places with her any day. i'm trying so hard with running everyday and eating healthier. i guess i'm just one of those people who will never be skinny and beautiful. like i don't understand why some people are just born looking like supermodels like my best friend and my mom. i'm the only person in my family who isn't a twig. why can't i just be like them. that's all i fucking want. i'm tired of clothes not looking good on me. i'm tired of only being able to wear certain things because of my thighs. i'm tired of feeling disgusting when i look in a mirror. i'm tired of wishing that i was someone else. i'm tired of having fat legs. i'm tired of not being able to be comfortable in my own skin. i'm tired of not wanting to wear a bathing suit in public. i'm tired of not being able to wear a size small. i'm tired of seeing all of this fat on my body. i'm tired of feeling ugly. i'm tired of being jealous of other people. i'm tired of being unhappy. but most important i'm tired of feeling out of control.

it's funny how a person that should care about you the most doesn't give a shit about you. you emotionally fucked me up. i didn't do anything to you, yet you still take absolutely no interest in me.

so i actually have a lot to write about but i can't because i feel really dizzy and it's weird like i can't think straight because i have a headache but i like the feeling of being out of it because feeling normal is just so blah and today was better well in part so i think this year might not suck as much as i would like to think but who knows i hope it doesn't and right now i'm doing homework and all i want to do is go to harry potter world. okay longest run on sentence of my life bye guys.

i don't know people in a lot of my classes. but then again school is a place mostly to learn and i'm taking all the classes i wanted. but i'm miserable. so i guess i'm caught between a rock and a hard place. school just feels different this year. not as warm, inviting, or exciting. maybe all the glitz and glamor wore off, or i've just really changed. either way i'm not liking it.

hmm maybe people would like me if i was skinny.....
then again maybe not.
but something is wrong with me,
i just can't put my finger on it.

I SURVIVED

 The first day of school that is. Well it turns out a know a few of the people in some of my classes but the rest are unfamiliar faces. I didn't have as bad of a day as I thought I would though. I think about last year and how I didn't know anyone then and by the end of the year I had made friends in all my classes. I'm sure it will turn out the same way this year. My math class seems pretty easy considering all the work we do is group work. Thank god I absolutely despise math. AP Art history seems like my kind of class. I also know some girls in there so it won't be bad. On the other hand Spanish 3 seems like a nightmare. I had no idea what the teacher was saying, oh and she looked like an alien. That made it literally impossible to pay attention. Business and Entrepreneurial Principals seemed easy enough. No homework so I'm happy. I had lunch with my best friends so I was extremely happy about that. Actually one of there birthday's is tomorrow which is pretty exciting! AP English Language doesn't seem as hard as they make it out to be. My teacher was pretty cool but she said if you didn't  read the summer reading you're screwed. Oops. NOW HERE COMES THE HARD WORK.....APUSH. Yes I am taking AP US History which will be pretty interesting if it doesn't kill me in the process. Anatomy and Physiology class is super easy so that's a great way to end the day. Oh and here was my first day of school outfit.



I wanted to keep it simple the first day. Anyways to anyone out there that it was your first day of school I hope it was a good one. Now I'm off to do my homework. Yes homework on the first day of school. I really don't understand life. haha

So it's 11:30 the night before my first day of school and I just now finished all my summer assignments. I swear I do this every year maybe one day I'll learn not to procrastinate haha. I'm just glad I'm done. Now the real work begins tomorrow.

Awww my mom is trying to get all my school supplies together and stuff. Not that I have any because tomorrow is the first day, but still it's sweet.

school tomorrow

So much more of my summer assignment left to do. I'll get it done I will just probably not sleep tonight and it will be pretty shitty but hey as long as I turn it in. So basically this as been me all day.

Feel free to laugh. Anyways so I'm actually kind of nervous/ excited for school tomorrow. I'm thinking about it and next year could make me or break me. It's the year that colleges look at most and the year I take the SAT. Well something could happen tomorrow to make me really hurt/ upset so let's hope it doesn't. But other than that I'm pretty excited to meet new people. I mean I'm either a love me or hate me kind of person but I'm sure I'll find at least one person in each class to talk to. Even if I don't that's why headphones were invented so it's all good. I really want to start a new chapter in my life. I'm ready for new people and new adventures. Last year had it's up's and down's but I really want this year to make an impact on me. My life has felt dry recently and I've been trying to change everything about it that I can. I dyed my hair, took on a new sport, and changed up my music taste. I'm not sure exactly what type of person I want to become but since this year I had more freedom to choose my classes it will help me take a baby step to getting there. Here are some of my goals for this year.
 1. To pass my AP exams with 4's like I have done on the past two.
 2. Meet a new person who come the end of the year I can call one of my best friends.
3. Actually have a good body by spring break this year.
4. Try to take a more positive view on life.
5. Only surround myself with people that I genuinely like (not be friend's with someone because I feel obligated to).
6. Not worry about things as much in general.
7. Let go of the past.
8. Whatever obstacles come my way face them head on, no more being a coward.
9. If something is bothering me to just say it.
So as much as I am nervous I think this year will be a good one if I'm determined to make it that. I'm excited for the possibilities that it holds so bring ittttt.

It's kind of ironic how the song The Anthem by Good Charlotte really is the anthem of my life.
If you haven't listened to it go do it now. It will most likely apply to you if you are in high school.

Please don't think that I'm pushing you away. I'm just drifting. It's not just you, it's everyone. I just feel as time goes on and on I'm fading more and more. I'm just different now. I'm colder. I'm just done with the fake smiles and small talk. It's starting to feel like a chore talking to people that I have nothing in common with. I'm not sure why I'm like this now. Maybe growing older has done me no good. I don't feel alive, I'm just living. I hope the future visits sooner than expected, because I'm stuck in this prison called the present and I need a bail out.

I’m a really shitty friend. I’m so sorry. Maybe I’m not as social as i would like to think that i am. i would rather sit in my room listening to music alone then talk on the phone. I’m only good at talking to strangers. That’s because i won’t ever see them again and i can portray myself in anyway that i want because they won’t get to know the real me. To each person i can become completely different and they wouldn’t even know. i love that. If you want to talk to me you will have to put in a lot of effort and I’m sorry. But it’s really not worth it i promise. I’m trying to get better i really am. I’m sorry you weren’t my first priority. You should be. 

it’s a weird feeling to miss someone yet not want to do anything about it. i miss you i truly do, yet i can’t pick up the phone. you can still have someone in your life and miss them very much. also you can cut people out completely and not think about them ever again. it’s just strange.

i'm going to post some of the less intense drafts i have saved on my tumblr. it's funny how i wrote these about a month ago yet they still apply.

maybe i'm lonelier than i'd like to think that i am.

Green Day pandora is the definition of perfect.

actually fuck it

here's a picture of my hair guys

don't judge me because I'm sitting in my room with no makeup doing my homework.

I dyed my hair dark brown.... i'll post a picture later because right now i'm pretty gross. So today I was faced with a moral issue. Someone was going to pay me to give them my AP assignment because they forgot it was due a couple of days ago. I thought about it and I really couldn't do it. I worked my ass off on that assignment and to me money isn't worth it. I found a website on the internet that had all the answers to the questions (oh and I found this after I did the whole AP assignment on my own fml right?) I could have just copied and pasted that into a word document and said it was mine. I would had gotten paid and not even have to give them my actual work. I would feel so guilty though. I don't agree with people who say the only way to get ahead in life is to cheat, lie, and kiss ass your way to the top. Sure it might work for some people but I guess that's just not the kind of person I am, or would ever be. I may not be perfect but at least I still listen to my conscious. So in the end I gave them the website to really help them out and I'm probably not going to get paid. Some people may call be stupid for doing that but I guess I'm just one of those people that doesn't compromise my morals. I may not like a lot of things about myself but that is something I can pride myself on. I also believe in karma so one day I think my outlook will help me out in life. Whether it's society's definition of success or not I would rather try to be a good person then deceive and step on people to get mine. I guess that's just how I am and I wouldn't change that for money.

oh and tomorrow I'm dying my hair but I'm not sure what color yet.

so school. it's coming up on monday...I really should start my AP english assignment.  I got my schedule today and I don't have any classes with any of my friends. The weird thing is I don't really mind that much. I think this year I'll get to meet a lot of new people with similar interests to mine which would be pretty exciting actually! I still have lunch with my two best friends so it'll be fine. I think this year will be as good as I make it.

oh and currently I'm looking at a magazine and to everyone who is skinny but complains about their body about something stupid like not having boobs I seriously hate you. I would trade places with you in an instant.

lol @ my life.

oh so we went to jump tree and none of us jumped. lol
we went off the rope swing and I face planted into the water........
what can I say I'm a klutz.

but i got some cool shirts from a local thrift store and good will one of them says "got your tickets to the gun show" and has arrows pointing to where my arm muscles would be if I had any. i thought it was pretty funny.

anyways team dinner later woooOoOOOOooOOo

good morning!

So today has been a success.... and it's only 8:45 am! This morning I was up bright and early for cross country practice. Today I ran approximately 5 miles which is really good for me being a beginner. I also ran with the girls who had done cross country before so they pushed me to do my best. Anyways today is going to be an amazing day. Hopefully this morning I get to see my boyfriend. Later in the afternoon I'm going school shopping with some friends. Then we are going to this place called jump tree....and you do exactly what the name says. There is different heights of platforms which you jump off of into the lake. I've never been before, and honestly I'm a little nervous. I definitely don't want to look like a complete chicken so I'll at least try to jump off the lowest one.........hope this goes well haha. Tonight we are having a potluck team dinner where we all get to go swimming and just hangout. So my day will be busy but I think it'll be a good one. Hope everyone is doing well and has a great day much love!

I FINISHED MY APUSH HOMEWORK

Yeah that's right. I mean I only turned it in a day before it was due but hey it's still done early! I also have another whole AP assignment due monday which I haven't even started yet....oops. But anyways here as promised are pictures of the rest of my family, my brother Chris and my mom.
A lot of people think my family is very up tight and proper but behind the scenes we actually have a pretty quirky  sense of humor. Here are some of our family photos.

Lisa never fails to work the duck face. My brother is sporting the Miami Vice look and I'm trying to not die laughing at them!

I think this picture speaks for itself about my brother and I's love hate relationship.

So this is probably one of the greatest family photos of all time! It's a mirror picture in sunglasses where it's an dramatic close up of my brother, I'm just being awkward, and my mom is in the back with her hand on her hip being sassy. Need I say more?

Basically I go through phases with my family. Sometimes we are all really close then other times I barely see them at all, and when I do we barely speak. I feel like we have gotten closer recently and surprisingly it actually makes me very happy.

meet the pets

so I'd like for you guys to meet some important member of my family.

This is my feisty puppy Mac. He's named after the rapper Mac Miller and he sure lives up to it, he needs all eyes on him 24/7 and can be a real pain in the ass but we all still love him anyways.

This is my sweet dog Snowball. He would never hurt a fly and never acts up, basically he is everyone's dream dog. Though he is a bit lazy. Oh and yes I do wear my fushia crocs...judge me.

I'll put up pictures of my mom and brother later because I need to finish doing my APUSH. Wish me luck.

getting to know me

I found some icebreaker questions so that you can get a better feel for what I'm like as a person.

What was your favorite food when you were a child? 

mashed potatoes

What’s the #1 most played song on your iPod? 

Wake Up- Mac Miller

What is one of your favorite quotes? 

"So, i guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them." - The Perks of Being a Wallflower

What’s your favorite indoor/outdoor activity?

indoor- blogging/cuddling outdoor- bike riding

What is your favorite form of exercise? 

running/bike riding

What is your favorite time of day/day of the week/month of the year? 

night/friday/October

What’s your least favorite mode of transportation? 

long boarding

What is your favorite body part? 

collarbones

What sound do you love? 

my boyfriend's voice

If you could throw any kind of party, what would it be like and what would it be for? 

it would be a chill toking circle with close friends just celebrating life

If you could paint a picture of any scenery you’ve seen before, what would you paint? 

Akaka Falls in Hawaii

If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would it be?

22

If you knew the world was ending in 2012, what would you do differently? 

Spend more time with the people I love but sometimes take for granted

If you could choose anyone, who would you pick as your mentor? 

Abraham Lincoln

If you could witness any event past, present or future, what would it be? 

Woodstock

If you could learn to do anything, what would it be? 

manage my time

If you had to work on only one project for the next year, what would it be? 

A scrapbook of my entire life

If you were immortal for a day, what would you do?

bungie jump, sky dive,  and scuba diving with great whites

If you had to change your first name, what would you change it to?

Nicole

If you could meet anyone, living or dead, who would you meet?

All the members of Fall Out Boy, and King Tut

If you won the lottery, what is the first thing you would do?

buy a plane ticket

If you were reincarnated as an animal/drink/ice cream flavor, what would it be?

red panda

If you could know the answer to any question, besides “What is the meaning of life?”, what would it be?

Is religion real?

If you could be any fictional character, who would you choose?

Spongebob Squarepants

Which celebrity do you get mistaken for?

not any

What do you want to be when you grow up?

an anthropologist/ archaeologist 

When you have 30 minutes of free-time, how do you pass the time?

listen to music

What would you name the autobiography of your life?

To be continued

What songs are included on the soundtrack to your life?

Good Riddance- Green Day

The Carpal Tunnel of Love-Fall Out Boy

Soundtrack 2 My Life- Kid Cudi

I Slept With Someone In Fall Out Boy and All I Got Was This Stupid Song Written About Me-Fall Out Boy

No Talking- The Zolas

Have you ever had something happen to you that you thought was bad but it turned out to be for the best?

yes

What was the last movie, TV show or book that made you cry or tear up?

I'm not exactly sure but I always cry when Snape dies in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2

What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done?

tell my dad I didn't want to see him anymore

What did you do growing up that got you into trouble?

be sassy

When was the last time you had an amazing meal?

I'm about to have panera so soonnnnn

What’s the best/worst gift you’ve ever given/received?

best: Mac Miller concert tickets Worst: a glitter butterfly that I was supposed to hang from the ceiling

What do you miss most about being a kid?

not worrying about anything

What is your first memory of being really excited?

going to see blue's clues live

When was the last time you were nervous?

today

What is something you learned in the last week?

never procrastinate or else your last week of summer will be hell

At what age did you become an adult?

never, and I don't think I ever will

welcome.

Well I guess I'll try blogger now so I can actually write what I want to on my own blog for a change. OH I almost forgot to introduce myself, hello anyone that is reading this my name is Jackie. I'm not going to tell you my last name because that is honestly just kind of creepy and it's not important anyways. I'm 16 and here I will be posting the in's and out's of my life. I recently joined cross country and so far it's going alright. I've actually gotten in better shape already and it's only been about 3 weeks.   My favorite places to visit are museums because I love learning about so many different things that I didn't even realize that they existed. I'm a music and concert junkie and I listen to all types. I'm not even exaggerating if you put my ipod on shuffle it's a blend of rap, country, alternative, indie and even some scremo thrown in. My music taste is constantly changing but one thing is certain, Fall Out Boy will always be one of my favorite bands. Believers never die. There are so many things I want to accomplish in life but one of my main goals is to go back packing in Europe. I only have two years until I will be living on my own which to me is bittersweet, but I'm mostly ready to get out of this town. Though I'm a really friendly person I tend to dislike most people. Cliche annoying preppy high school girls will be the death of me I swear. I hope the rest of the world isn't like my rich stuck up suburb because I'm already done with almost all the people here. Anyways if you want to get to know me it honestly takes a lot of effort which I'm sorry about but it pushes a lot of people away. Which is something I know I'm good at. I have horrible mood swings which can be pretty annoying to the people around me, but it's not like I choose to be that way. I guess in a way i'm average but then again I find that I don't really have that much in common with most people my age. I think that's good enough for an intro. Oh and I don't really know how to use this website yet but I'm sure I'll get the hang of it eventually.