okay so at first i was so pissed when i read this like a month ago..... BUT OH MY GOD I AM DYING. hahahaha oh jesus this is so emabarrasing for me that i dated him. lolz.

So glad I found my running buddy! We definatly push each other to go faster and I can tell over time he will greatly help me improve. He's really cool and we have a lot to talk about as well. I'm really glad I met him and we just kinda click as friends. So yeah today was a pretty good day... but now to start my homework. ergggggg.

Can i please be in the cast for the Rocky Horror Picture Show??? It's perfect.

i hate you. i really fucking hate you with every single fiber of my being. that fact that you have been lying to me to months is ridiculous. i should have ended it a while ago. now the truth came out and i realized that i've never felt this way about anyone.. ever. i hate you so much that i can feel the stabbing pain in my chest when i think about all the shitty things you have done to me. also i'm so disgusted for going back again and again. YOU WILL NEVER CHANGE. i have heard this over and over and i'm fucking done. literally i hate you so much that all i want to do right now is punch you in the face. you're a dirty lying pig. I HATE YOU. get out of my life. i'm deleting your number, you from my facebook and any thing else that even remotlely reminds me of you. it's disgusting how you could lie with such ease about everything right to my face. our whole relationship was built on lies. i fucking wasted almost a year with you. god and the sad thing is I AM SOOOOOO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU. i'm hotter, nicer, and smarter. i just had really low self esteem to stoop down to your level again and again. i might get lonley but anything is better than being with you. the quote "we accept the love we think we deserve" is absolutly true. but there is no person out there who would ever deserve to be treated like you treated me for 10 months. you lied, were cheap, and honestly the person i thought i knew doesn't even exsist. so have fun with your life because i am so done with you.

what the fuck is wrong with me? i just lost it for 30 seconds. i'm not going to cry. i don't care. fuck you.

well he doesn't even want to talk to me at all. i thought since we dated for almost a year that we could be mature and not ignore each other like fucking middle schoolers but i guess he doesn't want to be friends with me. i would really love that becuase i didn't want to cut him out completely. oh well i guess that ball's in his court now. but i'm actually excited for this weekend. i'm going to my school's blackout game on friday. i have a meet saturday but that night will be fun. i'm going to a music festival where everyone dresses up like zombies! and to end the perfect night i will be seeing the rocky horror picture show which i absolutly love. i'm excited to spend this whole weekend with my best friends which i havn't done in a really long time.

actually it'll probably be easier than i thought....considering i didn't even cry. yep i definatly made the right decison. it just sucks to lose a best friend but that's part of life i guess. i'm ready to move on.

if you really loved someone you wouldn't repeatedly do something that cuts them to their inner core. you don't really care and never did.

I don't need a person to depend on. Right now what I need is the courage to stand up for myself for the last time.

I'm torn between what I want and what I know is good for me. Actually I'm not even sure it's what I want anymore. I know that I'm worth more. Why am I still here? I hate being alone. This is pathetic. I thought about this for a while. Will I do it? Probably not. Should I? Who knows. I'm different because of this. Yet still the same. It kills me. I don't stop the pain. I should just say it. Cut my loses and see what happens. I can't tell if you're genuine. You won't change. Then should I? I already have. I miss myself.

something is off.

i've been running from myself for far to long. all the things that i've done to try to escape were just pathetic attempts to fool myself into thinking i was someone else. changing my hair, tyring to lose weight, developing new hobbies, losing old friends, and having a different outlook on life can't shake myself from who i am. i thought i would like the new me more. in fact i thought everyone would like the new alter ego i created for myself better. in fact it probably couldn't be more opposite. as strange as this sounds i miss myself. the old me. the real me. i can't keep this up for much longer. i need to give myself more credit. there was nothing wrong with the way that i was. sure not everyone liked me but that's life. i feel like i was more engaged in who i used to be. i had an overall happier and healthier frame of mind. lately all i've been doing is looking forward to high school being over and getting out of here. that's not how it used to be at all. i used to love highschool and surprisingly most of the people in it. it's time to get out of this moopy mindset. i have no idea why i have such low self esteem but i think i realized the root of it. i need to accept myself before others will accept me. as cheesy as that sounds i know that it's true. i have been comparing myself to all the wrong people. celebrities don't even actually look like that in real life either. no one is perfect. honestly i'm not even that bad looking compared to people my age. i might look different but hey the world needs its diversity. i would love to be stick skinny but reality is that's not going to happen. i should just be happy that i actually have boobs and an ass because with girls now days those things are getting rarer and rarer. i don't have to look like everyone else to be considered "beautiful". i know that i am in my own way, and now i finally realzied that that is enough. of course i will probably have those days where i feel disgusting and hate myself but i guess i'll just have to keep reminding myself how lucky i am to be me. it's much more than looks though. thank god i'm smart. sorry if that sounds conceited. i've had such low self esteem for so long that now i'm finally realizing that i have the right to be proud of myself. i'm doing amazing in school this year. i am working hard and my grades are reflecting that. i don't think i give myself enough credit. i'm not going to hold my head down in shame any longer. i'm smart, beautiful, hard working, adventurous, and have a killer personality. i'm done with hating myself. i'm done with crying all the time. i'm done with this lifestyle. it's time to get back to my roots.

i'm not a fucking whore that you can push around and use just for sex. i hate when you treat me like that. sometimes you digust me. i'm your fucking girlfriend. if you want someone just to fuck then i'm sure you can hit up one of those sluts on facebook. don't you dare treat me like i'm one of them. sometimes you're just to god damn pushy. you don't even consider if i want to or not. even if i don't want to and i just tolerate it that's enough for you. that's pathetic and gross. honestly i could probably be so drunk that i was passed out and you would still try to have sex with me. if you have to persuade me to do it, then i say i'm not sure if i want to and you keep going you should know that something is wrong. i can't believe you did that.

i wonder if people really do change, or they get better at covering it up.

if anyone actually knew how much i cried i would die of embarressment. thankfully no one reads this. if i keep doing what i'm doing no one will ever know how insecure i am. less than two years. i can do this. i'm just ready to move on to bigger and better things.

well that didn't last long. confidence=shattered.

Wow i haven't posted in a while. Time has literally flew by me. Tomorrow will be the completion of the first month of school. Honestly nothing has changed, except for the amount of free time I have of course. This year I am killing it in school. That's because for the first time ever I have had to work hard to acheive the results that I want. This makes me so happy because I was worried that I had absolutly no work ethic. Granted I don't do all of my assignments, but hey I have all A's and two high B's in my AP classes. I'll take it. It's not all rainbows and sunhine though. This year hasn't been fun. Literally almost none of it has been enjoyable. Between school, running, and preping for the SAT I don't have much free time. The time I do get I devote to sleep. Oh and I weighed myself and since summer I have lost 8 pounds. It's the strangest thing the better I do in school the more positively I view myself. Bodywise is what I'm talking about just to clarify. I know that I have been working hard in all areas in my life and slowly but surely I have been gaining more and more confidence. Maybe I don't need to look stick skinny. People will remember me for my accomplishments....not how I looked in highschool. I have been getting a lot healthier since I have joined cross country. Maybe that's the important thing and your appearance will change over time. With all this work I am putting in towards my body and school the future seems nothing but bright for me. I just hope I don't waste it.